Ayaka, Aesthetician of the Akatsuki
by fineillsignup
Summary: Taking care of the nails, hair, and skin of the Akatsuki is a full time job. Literally. Crack fic attempting to solve why the nail polish of the Akatsuki is always on point. One-shot for now but might add more later.


"Why don't you apply for this one? It keeps coming up week after week."

Ayaka blinked at the job agency employee. "I know, that's why I haven't bothered. Look at how high the salary is, and like you said, it keeps coming up. They must be really picky. No way they'd take a new graduate with no professional experience."

"Well, it's worth a try and you've gone through all our other postings already."

"I guess so." She accepted the surprisingly thick job posting envelope with a sigh. "Well, I'll be back next week to check for new postings, probably."

—

Ayaka blinked again as she came to the next question in the rather lengthy application form. So far the questions had been fairly normal—"Are you familiar with piercing aftercare?" "What is your usual approach to scar tissue?" "Attach three photographs here of manicures you have performed, one should be a natural look."—but now they were getting weird.

"'Are you allergic to seafood?' What?" murmured Ayaka, checking "no" nonetheless. "'Are you afraid of blood'… not really… 'Do you know how to keep your mouth shut?' Uh, like… not being chatty with clients, or like, not repeating it when they brag about how they're banging their husband's hot younger brother? Well, I guess I can do both. 'Are you tolerant of unusual religious beliefs?' Sure, but what kind of salon is this?"

She continued to fill it out, only to be further unnerved by the final page, which, rather than mailing instruction, contained an ominous black swirl with a blank middle and mysterious kanji-like decorations on the outside, with the instruction "to apply, place a drop of your own blood here."

Maybe this was a shinobi salon?

Dammit, she really needed a job…

With a sense that, if she were in a film, somebody would be shrieking at the screen "Don't go into the basement!", she rummaged around in her closet for her sewing kit, grabbed a needle, and pricked it over the blank centre of the page.

The application vanished in a swirl of mist.

—

The interview was not going particularly well, inasmuch as the prospective employer seemed really keen to hire her.

"She seems fine. Are we finished?" said a short man with red hair.

"You've said that about every applicant so far," said a black-haired man with deep tear-troughs. If she did accept this job, that would definitely be a challenge. Hyaluronic acid, maybe…

"Of course he does. His hair and nails don't even grow anymore," laughed an enormous blue guy.

"My nails do need touch-ups occasionally. I am just sick of waiting for the rest of you to agree on someone."

"Well, maybe we wouldn't have to be interviewing another one if somebody could refrain from murdering the employees," growled the one . "Do you have any idea what we're losing in productivity costs every time we have to train a new employee?"

"Fuck you!" said the man with the slicked back silver hair next to him. "He shouldn't have talked shit about Jashin! Besides, you're one to talk about not murdering people!"

"I don't murder people when it costs me money."

"Hidan shouldn't be allowed to use the new one, hn," huffed the blond with his arms crossed. "I've been having to do my own teeth whitening and doing the one on my right hand is so awkward, hn."

"Uh, as much as I could really use a job, I don't want to get murdered," squeaked Ayaka.

The pierced one who had introduced himself modestly as "Leader-sama" pursed his lips a moment and then spoke. "I too am tired of having to do my own nails. Hidan, you are forbidden to approach the new beautician until you demonstrate you can control yourself."

"Fuck all of you! I need a trim!"

"Konan, show her to her quarters."

The sole woman nodded and took hold of Ayaka's elbow, making the aesthetician squeak again. "Wait—but I—"

"Don't worry," said Leader-sama calmly. "We'll have all your things moved to your room by the end of the day."

"I'll help you unpack, Beautician-chan!" A man wearing a swirly mask bounced along beside them as the blue-haired woman somehow compelled Ayaka along. "Then we can get to know each other. I don't need to use your services because I use a Flowbee!"


End file.
